Emotion Coaching...
How are you feeling?
I think it's safe to say that parenting involves a lot of emotion. Both negative and positive. I believe that our life experience needs to have all the emotions in order for us to be fulfilled in our lives. If you think about it if we don't know sadness could we know happiness? I don't think so! Without negative emotions, we wouldn't know we were experiencing positive emotions. This doesn't mean that we will like or want to feel all the emotions. We do need them though!
One thing about being a parent that can be difficult to prepare for is dealing with negative emotions.
One thing I wasn't prepared for is feeling negative emotions twice, when my kids have hard experiences it hurts, and then it hurts again because they are hurting! It's like the saying "middle school is hard and even harder when your kids go through it."
Emotions don't have to be big scary monsters that we must avoid at all costs- even though we may want to sometimes!
How can we learn to deal with negative emotions?
Dr. John Gottman who is pretty much the parenting guru classifies parents into 4 categories:
The Dismissing Parent
- Treats child’s feelings as unimportant, trivial
- Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings
- Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
- Sees the child’s emotions as a demand to fix things
- Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion
- Does not problem-solve with the child, believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems
Effects of this style on children: They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions.
The Disapproving Parent
- Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way
- Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression
- Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior
- Believes negative emotions need to be controlled
- Believes emotions make people weak; children must be emotionally tough for survival
- Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time
Effects of this style on children: Same as the Disapproving style.
The Laissez-Faire Parent
- Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child
- Offers little guidance on behavior
- Does not set limits
- Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out
- Does not help child solve problems
- Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of hydraulics, release the emotion and the work is done
Effects of this style on children: They don’t learn to regulate their emotions. They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children.
The Emotion Coach
- Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy
- Is aware of and values her or her own emotions
- Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting
- Does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative feelings
- Does not say how the child should feel
- Uses emotional moments as a time to listen to the child, empathize with soothing words and affection, help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling, offer guidance on regulating emotions, set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions, and teach problem-solving skills
Effects of this style on children: They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have a high self-esteem, learn well, and get alone well with others.
Which parent are you?
I think I have been a mix of all of them depending on the situation and time of life etc...
After learning more about the Emotion Coaching parent I definitely want to be THAT kind of parent! I know it isn't going to be easy to maintain all the time but practice makes perfect right?!
So...Emotion coaching is listening to how others feel and giving them space to feel that emotion.
For children, we need to help them by naming the emotion/validating it, and helping them talk through what they feel and why they feel it.
Like if a child is throwing a temper tantrum, I can ask questions and listen to them instead of telling them to stop crying or not to be sad. Giving them a hug instead of pushing them away (by sending them to their room) and punishing them for feeling the emotions.
I cry like a baby almost every time I watch the Disney movie Inside Out... I can't even understand why I get so emotional over this movie but I love it!
So here is a perfect example of what emotion coaching can do for our relationships.
I love that this clip labels the communication skill as empathetic listening. Listening empathetically is the first step of emotion coaching.
Listening better, in general, helps us understand ourselves, our kids, our spouses, and friends better and creates a better connection with them.
My favorite life coach Jody Moore says "people just want to feel heard and understood!" Isn't that the way for us in becoming better listeners??
On the Gottman Institue Blog, Ellie Lisitsa says "Research shows that emotional awareness does not have to be accompanied by the feeling of wearing your heart on your sleeve. It does not have to involve ripping your soul out and exposing all of your vulnerabilities to someone else. Evidence shows that children who cannot look to their parents for true understanding and support feel more vulnerable and out of control in these moments. Children who have non-emotion coaching parents grow up in a “make believe home.”
When people feel heard and understood they feel more connected, love increases and trust grows. Children learn more from what we do than what we say. When we allow kids to feel their emotions and we can have dignity or treat them with dignity, they learn how to treat others that way as well. So this process if used correctly helps increase nurture, love, and respect.
Have you experienced this in your life? Are there times in your life when you have felt heard and understood?
I think emotion coaching can help me to build a more personal relationship with my kids! I believe when we take time to listen to our kids and what they think and feel, we can give them more personalized feedback and support. They will feel validated and not isolated in their life experiences and emotions, which is so important in order for them to feel connected to us!
Isolation, fear, and shame breed addiction and create dependencies on things instead of creating connection. It is only when we are open loving, and accepting of all the emotions and all the experiences of life that we go through that we can create connections and strengthen each other to withstand or rebound from the negative parts of life.
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